Yes Minister 2009

Scene: Home Secretary’s office. It’s been six months since the Summer 2008 reshuffle, and the current Home Secretary wants to make his mark.

Permanent Secretary: Well, Home Secretary, we still have a problem with gun crime. It’s up on last year. Most of it is linked to drug gangs it seems.
Home Secretary: Well, we have to be seen to be doing something <cough> I mean, we have to do something.
PS: Hmmm, but I don’t think the Treasury will like anything too … brave. The Chancellor has been quite clear about the need for reining in budgets…
HS: No no. We need to announce that we’re thinking of doing something about it.
PS: Oh, that’s OK.
HS: Now, all this drug fuelled gang violence. They’re using guns, so let’s ban the guns.
PS: Errr, the guns are already illegal. The problem is that the criminals don’t seem to care about the law.
HS: If the guns are illegal then how come they’re still using them?
PS: As I said, Home Secretary, they’re criminals. By definition …
HS: I know! They must be using deactivated weapons and activating them again. We’ll ban deactivated weapons.
PS: Yes, Home Secretary, but the ban on deactivated weapons was already in the Queen’s Speech last November after last year’s Home Secretary decided to ban them. It’s going through the committee stage at the moment, remember?
HS: Right. Well, that’ll sort it then.
PS: Probably not, Home Secretary. You see (sighs wearily) The. Criminals. Don’t. Care. About. The. Law.
HS: What about imitation weapons?
PS: Like children use to play soldiers with?
HS: Play soldiers? That sounds terrible. We must ban imitation weapons to protect the children from becoming violent gunmen.
PS: Errr…
HS: So, that’s the next generation safe. But what about gun crime now? If guns are banned, and deactivated weapons are banned, then … I know! Guns are made of metal aren’t they?
PS: Generally yes, Home Secretary, but …
HS: That’s it then. We’ll ban metal. Draft me a speech for tomorrow will you?
PS: (Mentally weighing up departmental transfer opportunities against early retirement pay-off) Yes, Home Secretary.

Not my fault!

In this by-election atmosphere, I am reminded of one of those war-stories from the campaign trail that any activist, of any party, begins to collect before long.

I rang on the door of someone who had been marked as a definite Conservative the previous year… The person who answered the door was of the, errm, fuller figured variety.

Me: Hi, Mr Smith (pause) err, Mrs Smith. I’m calling on behalf of Jo Bloggs, your Conservative candidate in the council elections next Thursday.

Gruff voice: Right.

Me: (Thinks: Oh, maybe I was right the first time) Errm. I was wondering how you might be voting on Thursday.

Gruff: Well, I haven’t decided…

We didn’t win that ward, though I’m relieved to say (for once) that we missed it by more than one vote.

Exclusive: How Blair got the envoy job

Gordon Brown has wasted no time in exposing, Soviet-style, the record of his predecessor. One of his staffers has leaked this email to Ban Ki-moon, UN General Secretary, which was left on Tony’s old laptop:

—– Original Message —–

From: “cherie blair” <cherie1020@hotmail.com>
To: “Ki-moon, Ban” <general_secretary@un.org>
Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2007 6:53 AM
Subject: Urgent Assistance Please

DEAR SIR,

I AM MRS CHERIE BLAIR WIFE OF RT HON ANTHONY LYNTON BLAIR, PRIME MINISTER OF UKNITED KINGDON OF BRITAIN IN ENGLAND WHO IS TO BE REDUNDANT ON 27TH JUNE 2007 . I HAVE BEEN INFORMED BY MY FAMILY ATTORNEY BARRISTER PETER GOLDSMITH THAT MY HUSBAND OPERATED A MORTGAGE WHICH A TOTAL SUM OF THIRTY-FIVE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS US ($35,500,000). THE ATTORNEY NOW ADVISE HIM TO SEEK IN CONFIDENCE A SOURCE OF INCOME. MY HUSBAND HE ALSO BEING PERSECUTED FOR POSSIBLE FALSE ALLEGATIONS BUT IT WAS NOT HIM A GOD FEARING MAN BUT IT WAS LEVY. IT HAS BEEN RESOLVED THAT US$7,100,000 WILL BE YOUR REWARD FOR IN RETURN A KNIGHTHOOD MAYBE. EVEN BETTER A JOB> MY HUSBAND HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE IN MIDDLE EAST MATTERS ANY OTHER ASSISTANCE YOU WILL GIVE IN THAT REGARD WILL ENSURE YOU ARE BLESSED IN HEAVEN. THIS WILL COME AS RELEIF TO MYSELF AND CHILDREN AND A GOOD PART OF THIS SHALL BE DIRECTED TOWARDS GOOD WORKS IN POOR AREAS OF MY COUNTRY (THE FAMINE STRICKEN NORTH EAST). TO FACILITATE THE CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, IF ACCEPTED, DO SEND TO ME PROMPTLY BY E-MAIL YOUR REPLY.

BLESS YOU